# How to Speak More Confidently and Persuasively | Matt Abrahams  ## Metadata - Author: [[Lenny's Podcast: Product | Growth | Career]] - Full Title: How to Speak More Confidently and Persuasively | Matt Abrahams - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/bad0f331-5e4c-421e-9962-ba8724b883ec ## Highlights - Visualization for Speaking Anxiety Summary: Utilizing visualization techniques can be beneficial for managing speaking anxiety by picturing oneself in the speaking space and the audience responding positively, rather than visualizing the audience in an uncomfortable manner. This tool can help individuals feel more at ease and confident, similar to a pilot using a flight simulator for practice. Transcript: Speaker 2 So you have a bunch of really novel techniques in your book and your podcast for calming your body down, calming your mind down. When you're planning to give a talk, when you're actually about to give a talk, when you're giving a talk. And a lot of these I haven't actually seen anywhere else. And I've used a few of them, and they are really great. So what I was thinking we do is let me go through the ones that I found most useful and interesting and just share your advice on those and then see if there's any I missed and then maybe add Those at the end. Speaker 1 That sounds great. That's something I love that you applied some of these techniques and found value from them. Speaker 2 I'll talk about this. I'll talk about this. Okay, so first of all, just to catch on this, you're not a fan of the picture people in your audience naked approach, correct? Speaker 1 The Brady bunch advice is not good advice. I don't know about you and I don't know anybody who could imagine seeing a bunch of people in their underwear and feel more comfortable with that. I think if you do, there are other issues you need to be dealing with that beyond speaking anxiety. Speaker 2 Yeah, it feels like highly inappropriate now just that idea. Speaker 3 Right. Speaker 1 I'm sure everyone, well, but you know, underlying that, if you'll give me a moment, there is some, there is some value. This notion of visualization as a tool of desensitization actually can be very helpful, but you're not visualizing the audience half naked. What you're doing is you're visualizing yourself in that space. You're visualizing the audience responding to you and what you're saying. So just like a pilot might do a flight simulator, having a visualization can actually really help you feel more comfortable and confident. It literally puts you in the room, even though you're not there. ([Time 0:05:45](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9306af54-eb83-4b18-a733-65cd60be33a4)) - Embrace Excitement over Anxiety in Communication Summary: Embracing excitement over anxiety in communication can significantly improve the quality of talks and presentations. By reframing nervousness as excitement, the body's physical arousal can work positively in enhancing performance. Rather than striving for perfection, aiming to do one's best from the start and allowing for organic improvement through editing can lead to great outcomes. Cognitive reframing techniques, such as convincing oneself to be excited about giving a talk, can help in managing anxiety and enhance the overall delivery of the presentation. Transcript: Speaker 1 That's exactly right. We are often our biggest impediments to good communication because of the anxiety we bring to the party. That's awesome. Speaker 2 And I think this can apply to prepared talks too. When you're preparing a deck, like don't put this pressure on yourself. This has to be the best talk ever. Just like, I'm just going to do my best. Let me just start with something that's good enough. People learn something. And then from that, you end up, their editing ends up leading to something great in my experience. Speaker 1 Right. Awesome. Speaker 2 Okay. Let's go to the next technique. And this is another one. I've practiced. And another guess on the podcast actually suggested this. And these two remind me of using this one, which is to tell yourself when you're going to be giving a talk, I'm excited. This is going to be a lot of fun. I'm so excited to give this talk and kind of reframe it from I'm nervous to like, no, I'm excited. This can be amazing. Can you talk about that technique? Speaker 1 Absolutely. So this is one of many cognitive reframing techniques. It is often attributed to my friend and colleague, Alison Wood Brooks. She's at Harvard Business School who did some research into this. And what she found is, well, first, take a step back. When you get physically aroused by anxiety, you're under that fight or flight threat response. It turns out that same response happens to your body when you're excited. The human body has pretty much just one arousal response. Our heart beats faster. We breathe more shallow. ([Time 0:13:16](https://share.snipd.com/snip/5afb3e03-269b-4605-8fb2-3af526086837)) - Positive Self-Talk for Effective Communication Summary: Changing the negative self-talk into positive affirmations before speaking can boost confidence and performance. Reminding oneself of the value to add during communication situations can help in overcoming self-doubt and nervousness. Having a simple mantra like 'I have value to bring' or 'I know my stuff' can serve as a confidence booster in communicative scenarios. Transcript: Speaker 1 Yes, thank you. And that's mine. The one that I share is I value to add. So if you if we were to really listen to the voice in our heads when it comes to communication, we say a lot of negative things to ourselves. We say things like, you know, I'm not prepared. I'm not going to be as good as this person. I'm an imposter. We we carry around with us a lot of this chatter that actually sets us up to not do well or to be more nervous. So if we can actually change that talk track, it can help us. So I'm not saying you have to go to an extreme and say, I'm going to be the best communicator ever. Rather, you can simply say, as I do, and as you alluded to, what I'll say right before I speak is I have value to bring. Often when we are in communicative situations, especially at work, people want to hear from us. We've been invited to speak. We're on the agenda for the meeting. There is value people can take from our communication. And we just have to remind ourselves of that. So having some little mantra that you can say that's that's not over the top, but just makes sense. It could be as simple as you've got this, or I'm prepared, or I know my stuff. ([Time 0:16:26](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7a37e0f6-f2a7-4822-b4e3-3cbfdf9529c1)) - Positive Mindset and Self-Reminders for Presentations Summary: Using positive self-reminders like 'last time this went well' can help boost confidence in presentations. Reminding ourselves that it's not about us but about the content can alleviate nervousness. Adopting a positive mindset and focusing on past successes can be beneficial in reducing catastrophizing tendencies and improving presentation delivery. Transcript: Speaker 2 How full are that people use? Speaker 1 They're very personal to different people. I was just coaching a senior leader the other day, who his mantra was, last time this went well. He's a leader. He does a lot of the same presentations. And just by saying last time this went well, reminds him that it's likely to go well this time. We are very susceptible to catastrophizing when we're very nervous about things, especially when we're exposed in front of people, not in the Brady Bunch exposure we talked about Earlier. But when we're out there speaking or communicating and simply reminding ourselves that often they go very well as helpful. Speaker 2 Yeah, there's another one that I think you shared, which is it's not about me, it's about my content. Yes, exactly. That's another one. That's a great one and can be very helpful. ([Time 0:17:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/e57e5b50-7453-4f81-9d0a-7ca6e894bd1c)) - Personal Mantras and Inner Critics Summary: Personal mantras play a significant role in boosting confidence and reminding individuals of past successes, reducing catastrophizing tendencies. Additionally, personifying and naming one's inner critic can help in rationalizing negativity and confidently asserting control over self-doubt. Transcript: Speaker 1 They're very personal to different people. I was just coaching a senior leader the other day, who his mantra was, last time this went well. He's a leader. He does a lot of the same presentations. And just by saying last time this went well, reminds him that it's likely to go well this time. We are very susceptible to catastrophizing when we're very nervous about things, especially when we're exposed in front of people, not in the Brady Bunch exposure we talked about Earlier. But when we're out there speaking or communicating and simply reminding ourselves that often they go very well as helpful. Speaker 2 Yeah, there's another one that I think you shared, which is it's not about me, it's about my content. Yes, exactly. That's another one. That's a great one and can be very helpful. The one you shared about, I've got this, reminds me, my wife took a course with the artist's way writer, Julie Cameron, I think it was her name. And she has this piece of advice where you name your critic, your inner critic, that's always telling you to stop doing stuff. You name him or her. So I name mine Jim. And then you say like, and then when he or she is giving you things you don't want to hear, you're just like, Jim, I got this. Speaker 1 Jim, I don't need this advice. I there there is a lot of evidence on personifying the things that challenge us and then having conversations with it. And it makes it it's a way of rationalizing some of the things that we do that are quite negative. So something something they're for sure to be thinking about. There we go. Speaker 2 Bonus advice that was bonus advice. Yes. ([Time 0:18:02](https://share.snipd.com/snip/e895b5d7-12a7-4094-b5a2-432836d1da05)) - 2min Snip Transcript: Speaker 2 This is such an important point that I'm kicking myself for not starting with this also, because I think this is something people don't realize. They see all their execs at their company speaking incredibly well so confidently, so articulately, and just like, Oh my God, how will I ever be someone like that? Is there anything more you can share? Just like, you know, you have a tons of students that go through your class. You see these issues. They're more transparent. I think about their challenges. I imagine is there anything more you could share there to help people feel better? Like this is most people, even when you see someone amazing at speaking, they are also probably nervous with regard to that. Speaker 1 I think we just need to talk about it more. We need to share about it. I mean, I always will share that I still have anxiety and speaking in certain situations. And it's something that's taking me a long time to work on. I also help people understand that it's not a light switch. It's not like you either have it or you don't. It's it's a process. And so the idea is over time, we will feel less nervous if we apply some of these principles you and I are talking about a great technique to help people that I that often isn't talked about As many of us feel much more comfortable in conversation than we do in presenting. And conversation is a back and forth. So you can actually set up a lot of your communication situations, a presentation, a meeting, etc. As conversations that doesn't and you don't even have to have a conversation with the audience. You can simply have it with yourself. For example, what would it be like if you were to start a presentation by saying today, I have three questions I'd like to answer. Question number one is and you state the question and then you answer it. I am actually having a conversation with myself in that moment where I am asking myself a question. I happen to know the answer. ([Time 0:21:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b494b8f7-ab90-4a98-b3b7-ca83e7f33dd1)) - Embrace the Process of Improving Speaking Skills Summary: Improving speaking skills is a process that requires time and effort, even for those who appear confident. It's essential to acknowledge and discuss the nervousness that comes with public speaking. Sharing personal struggles with speaking anxiety can help others feel better. Viewing presentations as conversations, whether with the audience or oneself, can make communication more comfortable and effective. Transcript: Speaker 2 This is such an important point that I'm kicking myself for not starting with this also, because I think this is something people don't realize. They see all their execs at their company speaking incredibly well so confidently, so articulately, and just like, Oh my God, how will I ever be someone like that? Is there anything more you can share? Just like, you know, you have a tons of students that go through your class. You see these issues. They're more transparent. I think about their challenges. I imagine is there anything more you could share there to help people feel better? Like this is most people, even when you see someone amazing at speaking, they are also probably nervous with regard to that. Speaker 1 I think we just need to talk about it more. We need to share about it. I mean, I always will share that I still have anxiety and speaking in certain situations. And it's something that's taking me a long time to work on. I also help people understand that it's not a light switch. It's not like you either have it or you don't. It's it's a process. And so the idea is over time, we will feel less nervous if we apply some of these principles you and I are talking about a great technique to help people that I that often isn't talked about As many of us feel much more comfortable in conversation than we do in presenting. And conversation is a back and forth. So you can actually set up a lot of your communication situations, a presentation, a meeting, etc. As conversations that doesn't and you don't even have to have a conversation with the audience. You can simply have it with yourself. For example, what would it be like if you were to start a presentation by saying today, I have three questions I'd like to answer. Question number one is and you state the question and then you answer it. I am actually having a conversation with myself in that moment where I am asking myself a question. I happen to know the answer. ([Time 0:21:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b494b8f7-ab90-4a98-b3b7-ca83e7f33dd1)) - Embrace Communication as Conversations Summary: Acknowledging and openly discussing struggles with anxiety, especially in communication, can help individuals understand it's a process and not a light switch. By reframing presentations as conversations, either with oneself or others, individuals can reduce anxiety and become more comfortable in speaking situations over time. Transcript: Speaker 1 I think we just need to talk about it more. We need to share about it. I mean, I always will share that I still have anxiety and speaking in certain situations. And it's something that's taking me a long time to work on. I also help people understand that it's not a light switch. It's not like you either have it or you don't. It's it's a process. And so the idea is over time, we will feel less nervous if we apply some of these principles you and I are talking about a great technique to help people that I that often isn't talked about As many of us feel much more comfortable in conversation than we do in presenting. And conversation is a back and forth. So you can actually set up a lot of your communication situations, a presentation, a meeting, etc. As conversations that doesn't and you don't even have to have a conversation with the audience. You can simply have it with yourself. For example, what would it be like if you were to start a presentation by saying today, I have three questions I'd like to answer. Question number one is and you state the question and then you answer it. I am actually having a conversation with myself in that moment where I am asking myself a question. I happen to know the answer. I give the answer. This again, just like the reframing as excitement versus anxiety, this is a reframe. I'm not presenting, I'm having a conversation and in so doing, it ratchets down that anxiety. So we need to talk about it. ([Time 0:21:37](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3496323e-6073-4aa6-9098-dfc7f473f724)) - Reframing Anxiety and Techniques for Managing Anxiety Summary: Reframing anxiety into excitement by having a conversation with oneself and treating it as a reframe rather than a presentation can help reduce anxiety. Developing anxiety management plans involves understanding that anxiety is not binary, and finding comfort levels in situations that make one nervous. Techniques for managing anxiety include desensitization through visualization, distracting the audience by starting a presentation with a relevant video, asking questions of someone else to deflect attention, and sharing experiences to explore different comfort levels. Transcript: Speaker 1 Question number one is and you state the question and then you answer it. I am actually having a conversation with myself in that moment where I am asking myself a question. I happen to know the answer. I give the answer. This again, just like the reframing as excitement versus anxiety, this is a reframe. I'm not presenting, I'm having a conversation and in so doing, it ratchets down that anxiety. So we need to talk about it. We need to share our experiences with developing anxiety management plans. We realize it's not binary. It's not, I have it or I don't. And we start seeing where we feel more comfortable and how can we bring that that comfort level into the types of situations that make us nervous, like simply having a conversation with Yourself. Speaker 2 You have another technique. I think that different, maybe it's exactly the same, which is to ask a question of somebody else as you're talking, which is, I think, deflects attention from you. You can talk about that. Speaker 1 Yeah. So we talked about the way we desensitized through visualization. The other thing we can do is distract. I coached a very senior leader at Google who got very nervous when he was up in front of people. And what we did is we distract his audience. So he would start every single presentation saying these words. Good morning. Let's watch this video. And he'd show a 30 second video video that was on topic about something that we're going to talk about in the meeting. And when the video stopped, he would then facilitate a discussion of what that video was about. ([Time 0:22:30](https://share.snipd.com/snip/189266ca-6f9c-4791-8520-ebe6109b851d)) - Distract to Ease Nervousness Summary: Distracting the audience by starting a presentation with a video related to the topic can help ease nervousness and shift the focus away from the presenter. This technique can help transform the presenter into a facilitator, leading to a more relaxed and effective delivery. Transcript: Speaker 2 I think that different, maybe it's exactly the same, which is to ask a question of somebody else as you're talking, which is, I think, deflects attention from you. You can talk about that. Speaker 1 Yeah. So we talked about the way we desensitized through visualization. The other thing we can do is distract. I coached a very senior leader at Google who got very nervous when he was up in front of people. And what we did is we distract his audience. So he would start every single presentation saying these words. Good morning. Let's watch this video. And he'd show a 30 second video video that was on topic about something that we're going to talk about in the meeting. And when the video stopped, he would then facilitate a discussion of what that video was about. And then he would ease into his content. So he went from being a presenter to being a facilitator, or if somebody was having a conversation with the audience, that made him feel so much better. ([Time 0:23:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/0edc9fc4-bc89-4c55-84e9-62b0da4e932c)) - Body and Mind Connection Summary: The body and mind connection is crucial in managing nerves before speaking in public. Most people feel the most nervous one minute before and in the first minute of speaking. Finding ways to push through this initial nervousness can make the speaking experience easier. Research indicates that 80% of neurons go from the body to the brain, influencing how the brain perceives feelings based on bodily sensations. By changing the body's state, the mind follows suit, affecting how one feels. This concept, known as embodied cognition, is exemplified by a study where holding something cold made people perceive others as aloof, while holding something warm led to a perception of them being more collaborative and embracing. Understanding and leveraging this mind-body relationship can significantly impact one's confidence and perception of situations. Transcript: Speaker 1 Most people are most nervous one minute before speaking in the first minute of speaking. And if you can find ways to get yourself through that, then it becomes much easier for most people. There are some people who that's not true for, but for most people, that's the way it works. Speaker 2 Awesome. Okay. Next technique that actually another guest mentioned, and we spent a bunch of time on this, I guess, in Johnny Miller, which is a breathing technique. And just to give a little context from what he taught us, is that 80% of our neurons go from our body to our brain versus 20% is our brain telling our body what to feel. And so this research shows that what our body's feeling is what our brain's going to think. So if our body's like acting nervous, we're going to think, oh, we're nervous. Speaker 1 And if you change the state of your body, your mind feels like this stuff, this research embodied cognition is what it's called is fascinating to me. I'll share one of my most favorite studies in this. There was a researcher at Duke, I think it was Duke, who he's all the only experimental variation that he did is he had people hold something that was cold in their hand, like an iced coffee Versus a hot, a warm coffee. And then he asked the participants to make ratings of people. And if you were holding something cold, you saw the person as a colder person is more aloof and more distant. And if you were holding something warm, you saw them as more collaborative and embracing. I find this stuff fascinating. What our body feels our minds think. ([Time 0:24:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/818f1268-f0dd-4d7f-a01c-82514d103c49)) - Getting Present Oriented to Calm Anxiety Summary: Being present in the moment can help in reducing anxiety by shifting focus from the future. Tongue twisters are a fun and effective way to get present oriented, as they require focus and help in warming up the voice, benefiting nervous speakers. By engaging in tongue twisters, individuals can center themselves, warm up, and shift their focus from potential negative future outcomes to the present moment. Transcript: Speaker 1 You'd be so mellow. Nothing will bother you. Oh, mellow. Okay. Speaker 2 Are there any other techniques that you love that you find people find really helpful in calming their anxiety? Speaker 1 Well, so the first book had 50 techniques and not all 50 techniques work for everybody. One that I personally think is a lot of fun is getting present oriented, because when I'm in the present, by definition, I'm not worried about the future. And many of our anxiety comes from our fear of potential negative future outcome, like I'm not going to achieve my goal. So if I can do anything to be in the present moment, that helps me out a lot. Something I do as part of my personal anxiety management plan is I say tongue twisters. Tongue twisters for me are a great way to get present oriented. You can't say it right if you don't say the tongue twister, if you're not focused on the present moment. And it also warms up your voice. A lot of nervous speakers get so inside their head that they don't warm up their voice. And we all know if you've ever done any exercise or competed in any sports, you should warm up first. We have this mistaken notion that we can go from silence to brilliance without warming up. And I like saying tongue twisters out loud to get present oriented and to warm up my voice. So that's one that I often recommend. People think it's silly, but I have people who like, that really works. It really helps me to get centered and to warm up. And so I like that one a lot. Speaker 2 Well, let's share a couple tongue twisters. ([Time 0:28:26](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6f1a9da9-e0bc-4cc5-8325-0fe9ecfb9c21)) - Structure is Key for Effective Speaking Summary: In spontaneous speaking, the structure plays a critical role as our brains are not wired for lists but for stories and logical connections of ideas. Having a structure, such as problem-solution-benefit in advertising, helps in connecting information and reducing the burden of intense pressure and anxiety while speaking. Transcript: Speaker 1 So you're ready for my tongue fester. But the so structure is critical. In spontaneous speaking, most of us, because we feel the intense pressure, the anxiety we just talked about, we just spew out information, we list and itemize information, we take Our audience on the journey of our own discovery of what we want to say as we're saying it. And our brains are not wired for lists of information. In fact, you know, Lenny, how many items do you need to buy from the grocery store before you actually have to physically write it down? For me, it's for anything over four. I'm going to forget something. Our brains aren't wired for lists, right? Speaker 2 And so I text myself. Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah, no, I'm old school. I actually put it on a piece of paper. But the point is, that we're not wired that way. Our brains are actually wired for story, for connection, a logical connection of ideas. So it's about connecting those pieces together. So a structure is nothing more than a beginning, a middle and an end, a package of information. The structure that almost everybody listening in is familiar with is one that comes from the world of advertising. Most advertisements are set up as problem, solution, benefit. There's some problem in the world. Here's how we solve it with our product or service. And here's how you benefit from it. That's a structure. It's a logical beginning, middle and end. These items have a connection. So by finding a structure that you can rely on when put on the spot, it halves your burden. ([Time 0:36:24](https://share.snipd.com/snip/453e8019-d7fc-4db8-8dd9-4273956a0c5d)) - Structured Communication for Product Teams Summary: Two effective structures discussed are prep - make your point, provide a reason, give an example, and restate your point; and a three-question structure - what, so what, now what. These structures help product teams clearly communicate the what, why, and next steps regarding their product, service, or updates, making the information more digestible and memorable. Transcript: Speaker 2 So we're going to talk about some of those examples. One of the structures that I liked that I wrote down is called prep, which is make your point, give a reason for making that point, give an example. And then is the last one point again? Speaker 1 Yeah, restate your point. Review it. Speaker 3 State your point. Speaker 2 That feels like something that, say in product teams, can come up a lot is just like, here's what I think. Here's why. Here's an example. And then let me just remind you again about the point I'm making. That's right. You know, the yes, I love prep. Speaker 1 And the structure I really like is a three question structure. What so what now what? And people on product teams, I think benefit so much for this. What is your product, your service, your offering, your update, your feedback? It's the what of what why you're speaking. The so what is why is this important and relevant to the people you're talking to or to your company or to prospective clients? And then the now what is what coming what what comes next. So on a product team, if you're describing a feature, here's what the feature is. Here's why it's important. And here's what we're doing about it. If you're giving an update in an update meeting, a standup that you're having, here's what I'm working on. Here's why it's important. Here's what I'm doing next by packaging the information up and what's so what now what it becomes much more digestible, much more memorable, just like prep prep works really well for A point you're making. ([Time 0:38:33](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f43fbe28-f63e-482e-b419-9e94937b0e91)) - Three Question Structure for Effective Communication Summary: A three question structure - What, So what, Now what - is highly effective in communication. It helps in clearly defining the What, the importance of the information (So what), and what comes next (Now what). This structure is beneficial for product teams when describing products, updates, or feedback as it makes information more digestible, memorable, and impactful. By incorporating this structure along with other tools like 'prep' and 'problem solution benefit', communication becomes more structured and impactful, ensuring the message is clear and easily remembered. Transcript: Speaker 1 And the structure I really like is a three question structure. What so what now what? And people on product teams, I think benefit so much for this. What is your product, your service, your offering, your update, your feedback? It's the what of what why you're speaking. The so what is why is this important and relevant to the people you're talking to or to your company or to prospective clients? And then the now what is what coming what what comes next. So on a product team, if you're describing a feature, here's what the feature is. Here's why it's important. And here's what we're doing about it. If you're giving an update in an update meeting, a standup that you're having, here's what I'm working on. Here's why it's important. Here's what I'm doing next by packaging the information up and what's so what now what it becomes much more digestible, much more memorable, just like prep prep works really well for A point you're making. What's so what now what works really well for a broader presentation update feedback session that you're giving. So having a whole series of these tools in your toolkit can really make a difference. Speaker 2 So we've talked about three structures so far. What so what now what prep, which is make the point give a reason example and then restate the point and then problem solution benefit. So people listening to that is like, Oh, amazing. All these structures are great. Do you have any advice on how to like remember these? You're like, Oh, Matt, what do you think of this design? Like, Oh, shit, which one should I go at? ([Time 0:38:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/0ddb18cf-2c2f-4967-9a77-1dc83428f044)) - Small Talk: Be interested, not interesting Summary: Small talk, often dreaded, is crucial as it helps in learning about ourselves and others, forming relationships, and fostering connections. It plays a significant role in meeting close friends. The best advice for small talk is to 'be interested, not interesting' by setting the other person up for success and not focusing on impressing them. Transcript: Speaker 1 Yeah. So let me get to that point in a second, because that's a more refined point than some general principles. So when it comes to small talk, many people dread small talk. They feel really awkward about it. I think small talk has a bad reputation needs to be rebranded. I think a lot of big things happen in small talk. We learn about ourselves and others. We form and foster relationships. You know, I challenge everybody listening to think about some of their friends or closest friends. How did you meet them? Probably some component of small talk played a role, especially early in those relationships. So it does good things for us. The best advice I have ever heard for small talk came from a guest on my podcast. Her name is Rachel Greenwald. She's a she's an interesting person. She's an academic and a matchmaker. Really fascinating. And her advice was this, be interested, not interesting. Many of us go into small talk thinking we have to be super interesting. We have to spike the ball over the net every time. When in fact, small talk is more like playing the game of hacky sack, where it's simply just set the other person up to be successful and get the ball back to you. So if we go in with that mindset, it makes it easier. ([Time 0:45:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/4faf0f1a-3885-4832-8aa5-3fb994f9a0b9)) - Balancing Supporting and Shifting Responses in Conversations Summary: In conversations, there is a need to be mindful of the balance between supporting responses, where you encourage the other person to share more, and shifting responses, where you steer the conversation towards your own experiences. It is important to have more supporting responses to show interest and build intimacy, but including some shifting responses is also necessary to avoid appearing disinterested in sharing. By striking a balance between these two types of responses, conversations can flow naturally and create a sense of intimacy and connection. Transcript: Speaker 1 So if we start small talk and we're talking about the meeting that we're at and you immediately jump into the fight you had with your significant other that might lead to divorce, that's A deep and big step that might feel a little inappropriate. But over time, if we continue to disclose, it might be perfectly natural for you to share that. So there's sort of expectations. We just have to be mindful of those. Another thing we need to be mindful of that I think is really important is this distinction between shifting and supporting responses. In a conversation, I can be supportive. That is, you might say, Hey, Matt, I just got back from Costa Rica. I could say, Oh, great. Did you spend time in San Jose? Did you get to any of the beaches? Those are supporting responses. I'm asking you to keep telling me more. A shifting response would be like, Oh, you went to Costa Rica. I went to Hawaii. And the goal in a good conversation is to have more supporting responses than shifting, but to have some shifting responses. Because if all I do is continually support you, it looks like I don't want to share. I'm not being disclosed of it all. So there are these subtle things that we can be aware of to help the conversation go and to breed that intimacy and immediacy that we feel. But it takes a congruence of balancing of doing this is awesome. Speaker 2 I feel like everyone needs this class to just like, how do I talk to people? ([Time 0:48:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/41cd8343-d4cd-4487-9a78-8658c196eef4)) - Be interested, not interesting Summary: The primary advice for small talk is to be genuinely interested in the other person by asking questions and getting excited about what they are sharing. Recommendations from the book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' emphasize the importance of using someone's name, smiling, and other simple gestures to build connection. While some may view this advice as manipulative, it can be valuable if applied authentically. It's essential to avoid becoming so focused on techniques that you lose genuine connection, similar to focusing on taking pictures instead of experiencing while traveling. Transcript: Speaker 2 You just shared it. So the primary piece of advice for small talk is be interested, not interesting. Ask person questions, get excited about what they're telling you. There's a book, a classic book, how to win friends and influence people, which is very much about this. Highly recommended. It's like very cool now, but there's so much good advice there. Like the there's no better sound to someone's ears than their name. They're just saying their name. They're like, yeah, I love that. And then just like smiling. There's all these like very simple things that that book shares. Sounds like you're you recommending your family book and it's something you I know the book. Speaker 1 Some of the stuff some of that stuff has been true for a long time. Some of the stuff. I'm not a big fan of ingratiation and manipulation. So I like authenticity and some of the advice and books like that can sound like smile, not your head, you know, and all of that. Yeah. And all of that can sound a little manipulative and inauthentic. But I think some of those principles are important. And if you can in an authentic, true, appropriate way, leverage some of that, I think it will help you. Speaker 2 Yeah, somebody once shared a story with their kid like in their 13, they read that book and it just F them up for a while because they just started putting me to practice a way to you. Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, one thing, I mean, all of a sudden you're focusing on you can get so wrapped up in doing these things that you're actually not connecting. It's like people who travel on vacation and all they do is take pictures of where they are instead of experiencing where they are, right? And that's that's not where we want to be with this advice. Speaker 2 But I love this other component of because a lot of people hear this advice, ([Time 0:49:53](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7ce41fb9-679b-4acb-8e9c-961311ac5e93)) - 1min Snip Transcript: Speaker 1 So in the fore eye structure, the first eye is information. You're just setting the playing field so the person knows what you're giving the feedback about. The second is impact and this is impact on you the feedback giver. The third is the invitation that you make and then the final is the the implications or consequences. So imagine I have an employee who doesn't show up to the meetings on time and prepared. I might say this is the third time that you have showed up late to this meeting. I feel you're not prioritizing this meeting the same way others of us are. What can we do to help make sure you show up prepared for the next meeting? Because if you do we're going to finish the project on time and get a new cool project. So information impact invitation and implications. Now certainly I can vary the tone and the directness of some of those responses so it sounds very differently but thinking through it in my mind I have to level set what we're talking about. I have to share why it's important to me at least make the invitation and talk about the benefits or consequences makes a lot of sense. So there are lots of structures and lots of ways to communicate especially in feedback. Find one or two that work for you so when you're put on the spot you can default to it. Speaker 2 Maybe a big takeaway here is pick one of these structures that you want to use when somebody asks you for feedback and the two you shared are what ([Time 0:55:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/75a0d034-e161-465d-8818-106f626eb628)) ## New highlights added August 10, 2024 at 1:08 PM - Episode AI notes 1. Matt Abrahams emphasizes the importance of visualization techniques in managing speaking anxiety by picturing oneself positively in the speaking environment. 2. He advocates for embracing excitement over anxiety, suggesting that reframing nervousness as excitement can enhance presentation quality. 3. Positive self-talk is highlighted as a crucial strategy, with personal mantras boosting confidence and reducing self-doubt before speaking. 4. Abrahams encourages the use of positive reminders about past successes to alleviate nervousness and improve presentation delivery. 5. He notes that personal mantras and identifying one's inner critic can help manage negative thoughts and reaffirm confidence. 6. The process of improving speaking skills is acknowledged as gradual and requires discussing the common nervousness in public speaking. 7. Viewing presentations as conversations can reduce anxiety and make communication feel more comfortable. 8. Reframing anxiety into excitement through self-conversations can help in managing nerves effectively. 9. Abrahams suggests starting presentations with a related video to distract the audience, easing the presenter’s nervousness. 10. Understanding the body-mind connection is crucial; engaging the body positively influences mental state and confidence. 11. Being present-oriented can calm anxiety; engaging in tongue twisters can aid in focusing and warming up the voice. 12. He stresses the importance of structure in spontaneous speaking, suggesting frameworks like problem-solution-benefit for clarity. 13. Two effective communication structures discussed are the 'prep' format and a three-question structure: 'What, So What, Now What'. 14. Small talk is essential for building connections, and one should focus on being interested in others rather than trying to impress them. 15. Striking a balance between supporting responses and shifting responses in conversations fosters intimacy and connection. 16. Abrahams introduces a feedback framework focusing on Information, Impact, Invitation, and Implications to enhance communication effectiveness. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/9a999966-5203-4164-bfe9-f384d042040e))