# How to Build Deeper, More Robust Relationships | Carole Robin  ## Metadata - Author: [[Lenny's Podcast: Product | Growth | Career]] - Full Title: How to Build Deeper, More Robust Relationships | Carole Robin - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/591eea2e-8688-4d6c-900d-873bcf49362e ## Highlights - Effectively Utilizing Feelings for Positive Influence Summary: Expressing genuine feelings and concerns can lead to rallying support and faster problem resolution in a team. Understanding and appropriately using emotions like hurt, fear, and sadness can build connections and enable deeper understanding in relationships, contrasting the distancing effect of anger when not expressed authentically. Transcript: Speaker 1 And so he said, so on Monday morning, instead of getting up and blasting them all as I was prepared to do, I got up and I said, so gang, I am deeply worried and afraid that I'm the only person Here who is as concerned about this mis-deadline as I am and what it's going to mean to our customers. And he said, I have never had my troops rally to fix something faster. So appropriate use of feelings, you know, is something most people don't know how to do. They don't even know how to access the feeling. You know, I told this particular anecdote about anger being a secondary emotion at a very big workshop a number of months ago and a woman walked up to me and said, wow, thank you so much. Speaker 2 I've never understood that my husband carries so much fear and so much hurt because he only ever leads with anger. It never even occurred to me that something else might be going on. Speaker 1 And anger is a distancing emotion. Whereas hurt, fear, sadness, loneliness, happiness, joy are all connecting emotions. ([Time 0:34:24](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9d46c534-58d5-4326-a3c1-005cf2e88dda)) - Understanding Emotions for Better Connection Summary: Recognizing and using feelings appropriately can lead to faster and effective problem-solving. Anger is often a secondary emotion, with underlying feelings like fear and hurt. Anger tends to create distance, while emotions like hurt, fear, sadness, loneliness, happiness and joy foster connection. Learning to access and understand these emotions can lead to improved communication and stronger relationships. Transcript: Speaker 1 Deeply worried and afraid that I'm the only person here who is as concerned about this mis-deadline as I am and what it's going to mean to our customers. And he said, I have never had my troops rally to fix something faster. So appropriate use of feelings, you know, is something most people don't know how to do. They don't even know how to access the feeling. You know, I told this particular anecdote about anger being a secondary emotion at a very big workshop a number of months ago and a woman walked up to me and said, wow, thank you so much. Speaker 2 I've never understood that my husband carries so much fear and so much hurt because he only ever leads with anger. It never even occurred to me that something else might be going on. Speaker 1 And anger is a distancing emotion. Whereas hurt, fear, sadness, loneliness, happiness, joy are all connecting emotions. Speaker 2 So those are kinds of things people learn when they come through our progress. Speaker 1 Oh man, you were blowing my mind already. I can see why marriages are saved by a lot of these things you teach. ([Time 0:34:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6b683c5b-425b-439b-aca3-7408a9d3f7f6)) - Anger as a Distancing Emotion Summary: Anger is a secondary emotion that masks fear or hurt. Expressing anger may seem acceptable in business, but it actually distances people. Recognizing and sharing vulnerability and emotions like fear can build trust and deepen connections, which is crucial for personal and professional learning. Transcript: Speaker 2 So those are kinds of things people learn when they come through our progress. Speaker 1 Oh man, you were blowing my mind already. I can see why marriages are saved by a lot of these things you teach. That's a really profound point you're just making there. That anger is a secondary emotion. Really what's going on is you're afraid of your hurt. Is there anything more you can add there? Cause this feels very important. Speaker 2 That is normally what's going on except we've all been socialized not to be vulnerable, especially in business. Speaker 1 And naming any of those other things makes us feel vulnerable. So somehow being angry doesn't make us feel vulnerable. Speaker 2 That's the okay emotion as long as you express it in an appropriate way. But it's a distancing emotion. What a disservice to everybody in business. What a disservice to professional learning. Speaker 1 To not help people understand that anger is a distancing emotion and that there are other emotions that are appropriate and that are connecting. This connects so beautifully to your first point. We talked about being vulnerable and disclosing more and how I completely see how if you were just to share, I'm afraid of this, how that brings people closer to you and feels like they Will trust you more versus you not sharing that. Right. And you know, it connects to something else you and I talked about. ([Time 0:35:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/96ff53cc-9ba7-481c-b8a6-4d0f6d617dce)) - Feedback Building Relationships Summary: Giving feedback is often perceived as detrimental to relationships, stemming from past negative experiences. However, feedback itself is not the issue; it's the way it's delivered that can cause problems. Learning to give feedback constructively can strengthen relationships by showing investment and care in the other person. Transcript: Speaker 1 It's a dial and you know, you move it at 15% rate. Speaker 2 So another mental model people hold and this becomes a huge learning for people who go through the, through our program is people think, if I give you feedback, it's going to ruin the Speaker 1 Relationship. It's going to weaken the relationship. Speaker 2 Whoa, that's a really common, even though everybody's always wanting, I want more feedback. I want to know how it can be better. But everybody believes that giving feedback is going to create a problem. And that's because most people have in fact been on the receiving end of feedback poorly given or they've given feedback in a not very good way. Speaker 1 You know, they've stepped in piles of do do. Yes. Speaker 2 And it does not mean feedback ruins relationships. It means feedback the way you've always seen it done or done it ruins relationships. Pretty important. Speaker 1 And then one of the things that we aren't people with, I think one of the most powerful pieces of learning that people get is learning how to give feedback in a way that is going to build Speaker 2 Relationships as opposed to. And it's going to build a relationship. Speaker 1 If you, if you see that my reason for wanting to give it to you is that I'm invested in you and in us. ([Time 0:40:18](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1b8e11ef-bae5-43a7-a167-de09952f6e39)) - Constructive Feedback Builds Relationships Summary: Receiving or giving feedback poorly can damage relationships, but it is not feedback itself that ruins relationships, it is the manner in which it is given. The key is learning how to give feedback in a way that shows investment in the other person and in the relationship. Avoiding addressing small irritations can lead to increased frustration for the receiver, highlighting the importance of constructive feedback in fostering positive relationships. Transcript: Speaker 2 And that's because most people have in fact been on the receiving end of feedback poorly given or they've given feedback in a not very good way. Speaker 1 You know, they've stepped in piles of do do. Yes. Speaker 2 And it does not mean feedback ruins relationships. It means feedback the way you've always seen it done or done it ruins relationships. Pretty important. Speaker 1 And then one of the things that we aren't people with, I think one of the most powerful pieces of learning that people get is learning how to give feedback in a way that is going to build Speaker 2 Relationships as opposed to. And it's going to build a relationship. Speaker 1 If you, if you see that my reason for wanting to give it to you is that I'm invested in you and in us. It's similar. We hold mental models about expressing what we call pinches, which are just, you know, those little things that people do. Then we just like, I'm not going to make it feel out of it. I'm not going to say anything. Speaker 2 So the mental model is a small thing. The problem is if you're, if I'm doing something that's mildly irritating and you don't tell me, then what am I going to do? Speaker 1 Keep doing it. Speaker 2 And then are you going to get less irritated or more irritated? Speaker 1 More irritated. Yeah. Now if I get less irritated or it doesn't change, then you're right. I shouldn't say anything. ([Time 0:40:48](https://share.snipd.com/snip/13ee5239-f4d8-4a97-b9a4-a6d03e496032)) - Address Irritations Early Summary: Addressing frustrations early in a relationship is crucial to prevent the annoyance from escalating into a bigger problem. By voicing concerns about small irritations and discussing them promptly, it shows investment in the relationship and helps avoid unnecessary conflicts in the future. Transcript: Speaker 2 And it's going to build a relationship. Speaker 1 If you, if you see that my reason for wanting to give it to you is that I'm invested in you and in us. It's similar. We hold mental models about expressing what we call pinches, which are just, you know, those little things that people do. Then we just like, I'm not going to make it feel out of it. I'm not going to say anything. Speaker 2 So the mental model is a small thing. The problem is if you're, if I'm doing something that's mildly irritating and you don't tell me, then what am I going to do? Speaker 1 Keep doing it. Speaker 2 And then are you going to get less irritated or more irritated? Speaker 1 More irritated. Yeah. Now if I get less irritated or it doesn't change, then you're right. I shouldn't say anything. But if I have the wherewithal to notice, this is why we talk about to antenna, which I'll come back to, to notice that I'm getting more and more activated, more and more irritated, then It's really important for me to say something. And by the way, address it while it's still small. Speaker 2 And then it will get big. That's why we call it, you know, talk about a pinch before it becomes a crunch. And then it becomes a much bigger deal. Speaker 1 But most of the time we say it's not worth it. So I always tell students, okay, substitute the pronoun, substitute the word it for I you we. Speaker 2 I'm not worth it. ([Time 0:41:25](https://share.snipd.com/snip/061dc72c-f07d-4995-b6ce-d0e9caa3e58b)) - Addressing Irritations Early Summary: Holding back from expressing mild irritations can lead to escalating issues. If something is mildly irritating and not addressed, it will likely continue and cause more frustration. It's crucial to recognize when irritation is increasing and address it early when it's still minor. Reframing the situation by substituting 'I, you, we' in place of 'it' can help assess whether it's worth addressing the irritation. Transcript: Speaker 1 It's similar. We hold mental models about expressing what we call pinches, which are just, you know, those little things that people do. Then we just like, I'm not going to make it feel out of it. I'm not going to say anything. Speaker 2 So the mental model is a small thing. The problem is if you're, if I'm doing something that's mildly irritating and you don't tell me, then what am I going to do? Speaker 1 Keep doing it. Speaker 2 And then are you going to get less irritated or more irritated? Speaker 1 More irritated. Yeah. Now if I get less irritated or it doesn't change, then you're right. I shouldn't say anything. But if I have the wherewithal to notice, this is why we talk about to antenna, which I'll come back to, to notice that I'm getting more and more activated, more and more irritated, then It's really important for me to say something. And by the way, address it while it's still small. Speaker 2 And then it will get big. That's why we call it, you know, talk about a pinch before it becomes a crunch. And then it becomes a much bigger deal. Speaker 1 But most of the time we say it's not worth it. So I always tell students, okay, substitute the pronoun, substitute the word it for I you we. Speaker 2 I'm not worth it. Speaker 1 You're not worth it. We're not worth it. And then ask yourself again, whether it's worth raising. ([Time 0:41:37](https://share.snipd.com/snip/221cdfa1-b40f-422d-ab39-548933f04078)) - Anticipating Growth with A 16 Z Podcast Summary: The A 16 Z podcast showcases product leaders and growth experts from influential companies like Airbnb, Slack, Bigma, and Stripe. By investing in companies shaping the future and featuring conversations with founders and technologists, the podcast offers insights into the next wave of companies. Through episodes with prominent figures such as Mark, Tristan, Adam D'Angelo, and Mark Pincus, as well as government officials like the CIA's first chief technology officer, listeners can delve into topics ranging from drones to DNA and deep learning. Understanding the concept of the three realities is crucial for giving effective feedback, as it helps in setting the foundation for constructive feedback discussions. Transcript: Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by the A 16 Z podcast. Every week on this podcast, you get to hear from product leaders and growth experts from some of the world's most impactful companies, whether it's Airbnb, Slack, Bigma or Stripe. But what will the next wave of companies look like? One firm might have a clue and recent orbits invested in all four of the companies I just mentioned and their flagship podcast, the A 16 Z podcast features conversations with the very Founders and technologists shaping our future. Recent episodes feature folks like Mark and Tristan, longtime builders like Adam D'Angelo from Quora and Mark Pincus from Zinga. Even some voices from the government like the CIA's first ever chief technology officer, non-mulshandani from drones to DNA to deep learning. You can eavesdrop on the future with the A 16 Z podcast. I want to talk about how to give feedback. Well, but I think it might be helpful to talk about this concept that you call the three realities and the net because I think that sets up a lot of this. Yeah. And in fact, it is, it is fundamental to giving feedback. Awesome. Speaker 2 So they're very related. You were right, right. You were right on. And you know what? Speaker 1 Let me just take a moment and talk. I mentioned the two antenna and this is in the book, but you know, we're all equipped with two antenna. One is tracking what's going on for me, my internal antenna. ([Time 0:42:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3e97f17e-b916-48c2-9673-b0903d8c7600)) - Unveiling Interpersonal Competence through Antennas Summary: Interpersonal competence is about honing the ability to recognize and interpret signals from both one's internal state and others' perspectives. By acknowledging and refining these two 'antennas,' individuals can enhance their skills in giving feedback effectively and navigating complex interpersonal dynamics. Transcript: Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by the A 16 Z podcast. Every week on this podcast, you get to hear from product leaders and growth experts from some of the world's most impactful companies, whether it's Airbnb, Slack, Bigma or Stripe. But what will the next wave of companies look like? One firm might have a clue and recent orbits invested in all four of the companies I just mentioned and their flagship podcast, the A 16 Z podcast features conversations with the very Founders and technologists shaping our future. Recent episodes feature folks like Mark and Tristan, longtime builders like Adam D'Angelo from Quora and Mark Pincus from Zinga. Even some voices from the government like the CIA's first ever chief technology officer, non-mulshandani from drones to DNA to deep learning. You can eavesdrop on the future with the A 16 Z podcast. I want to talk about how to give feedback. Well, but I think it might be helpful to talk about this concept that you call the three realities and the net because I think that sets up a lot of this. Yeah. And in fact, it is, it is fundamental to giving feedback. Awesome. Speaker 2 So they're very related. You were right, right. You were right on. And you know what? Speaker 1 Let me just take a moment and talk. I mentioned the two antenna and this is in the book, but you know, we're all equipped with two antenna. One is tracking what's going on for me, my internal antenna. Speaker 2 The other one is kind of trying to pick up signals on what might be going on for you. And first of all, recognizing those two antenna exists. Second of all, learning how to hone our ability to pick up subtler and subtler signals make us more interpersonally competent. ([Time 0:42:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8a5ea45f-c3dd-4b90-af7a-f9eef98f6241)) - Honing interpersonal competence Summary: Recognizing and honing the ability to track internal and external signals, through the concept of having two 'antennas', makes individuals more interpersonally competent. Understanding the three realities involved in any exchange - one's intent, actions, and the impact on others - is crucial for giving feedback effectively. Transcript: Speaker 2 So they're very related. You were right, right. You were right on. And you know what? Speaker 1 Let me just take a moment and talk. I mentioned the two antenna and this is in the book, but you know, we're all equipped with two antenna. One is tracking what's going on for me, my internal antenna. Speaker 2 The other one is kind of trying to pick up signals on what might be going on for you. And first of all, recognizing those two antenna exists. Second of all, learning how to hone our ability to pick up subtler and subtler signals make us more interpersonally competent. Speaker 1 So also I'm a big believer in meditation and awareness. So anyway, if you, if we now fast forward to your question about how to give feedback well, which has to do with understanding the three realities, it starts with in any exchange between Two people. Speaker 2 There are three realities. There is my intent, how I see the world, my background, my history. Speaker 1 There is what I do or say or don't do verbal or nonverbal. ([Time 0:44:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/367e2b8f-f95b-46d8-8250-ada57233b0d8)) - Three Distinct Realities Summary: There are three distinct realities in communication: one's own perspective, one's behavior, and the impact on the other person. Misunderstanding arises when these realities are not acknowledged, as individuals can only fully comprehend their own viewpoint and actions, while being unaware of the impact on others. The common ground is the shared behavior, connecting the perspectives of each party. Transcript: Speaker 2 So my reality is reality number one, my behavior, verbal or nonverbal is reality number two. And whatever happens on your end is reality number three, the impact of what I've said or done, you know, how you see things, you know, your background. So there's these three distinct realities. Speaker 1 And the trouble we get into when we don't recognize that those three realities exist is we don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three. Speaker 2 So I know what's going on for me and I know what I did. I have no idea what happened on your end. You know what I did and what, how it impacted you. So you're two are the only one we share is the one in the middle in common, the behaviors, right? Now we draw a metaphorical net between reality number one and reality number two. Speaker 1 To help people understand and and anybody who's ever taken touchy feely ([Time 0:45:09](https://share.snipd.com/snip/60f3e4c3-1072-46f7-9406-f83dc166ee1a)) - Three Realities and Staying on Your Side of the Net Summary: There are three distinct realities: reality one is what happens to the individual, reality two is the impact on others, and reality three is the interpretation based on background. Recognizing these realities is crucial as we are only aware of our reality and the impact on others. The key is to focus on the shared reality of behaviors and not assume understanding of the other person's reality, as this can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Transcript: Speaker 2 And whatever happens on your end is reality number three, the impact of what I've said or done, you know, how you see things, you know, your background. So there's these three distinct realities. Speaker 1 And the trouble we get into when we don't recognize that those three realities exist is we don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three. Speaker 2 So I know what's going on for me and I know what I did. I have no idea what happened on your end. You know what I did and what, how it impacted you. So you're two are the only one we share is the one in the middle in common, the behaviors, right? Now we draw a metaphorical net between reality number one and reality number two. To help people understand and and anybody who's ever taken touchy feely in no matter which context knows the saying stay on your side of the net. Meaning stick with the two realities you know, because we get in trouble the minute we start thinking, we know the other person's reality. Right. ([Time 0:45:16](https://share.snipd.com/snip/992c1988-1808-4a83-bead-c99308fc0b57)) - Effective Communication and Feedback Summary: Learning to communicate effectively involves staying on one's side of the net and expressing feelings when not feeling heard. Clearly stating feelings and needs leads to constructive problem-solving discussions rather than trying to change the other person. Setting boundaries and understanding each other's needs play a crucial role in effective communication. Transcript: Speaker 1 So it wasn't until I learned to stay on my side of the net and say, so when I speak and I'm all worked up about something and the only thing I get back from you are either a grunt or an affectless Repetition of what I just said. Speaker 2 That's reality number two. Anybody watching the video would say that's what happened. Speaker 1 I don't feel heard. Speaker 2 He can't say, yeah, you do. Speaker 1 And when I don't feel heard, I feel hurt and I feel distanced. And the reason I'm telling you that is because I can't be here for for you in the way I want to be when I feel that way. Speaker 2 So the formula is when you do insert behavior, I feel pull out the vocabulary of feelings. Speaker 1 And I'm telling you this because or I'm hoping the outcome of you knowing this is. And so then what happened is he said, well, if you want my undivided attention, then you've got to give me some time to unwind when I get home. Speaker 2 What a reasonable request. I said, well, how much time do you need? He said, I don't know half an hour. I was like half an hour of accounting the minutes, about five minutes. Speaker 1 We settled on 15. And by the way, that is the purpose of feedback. Speaker 2 When it's constructive feedback, move into a problem solving conversation. Don't change the other person. ([Time 0:48:37](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c3cc4029-794e-4bc6-b6cd-3aa966b0f14f)) - Effective Communication and Problem Solving Summary: Express feelings and needs clearly, using 'When you do [behavior], I feel [feeling], and I hope [outcome].', leading to a constructive problem-solving conversation. Understand and respect each other's needs and communicate clearly to find mutually beneficial solutions. Transcript: Speaker 2 That's reality number two. Anybody watching the video would say that's what happened. Speaker 1 I don't feel heard. Speaker 2 He can't say, yeah, you do. Speaker 1 And when I don't feel heard, I feel hurt and I feel distanced. And the reason I'm telling you that is because I can't be here for for you in the way I want to be when I feel that way. Speaker 2 So the formula is when you do insert behavior, I feel pull out the vocabulary of feelings. Speaker 1 And I'm telling you this because or I'm hoping the outcome of you knowing this is. And so then what happened is he said, well, if you want my undivided attention, then you've got to give me some time to unwind when I get home. Speaker 2 What a reasonable request. I said, well, how much time do you need? He said, I don't know half an hour. I was like half an hour of accounting the minutes, about five minutes. Speaker 1 We settled on 15. And by the way, that is the purpose of feedback. Speaker 2 When it's constructive feedback, move into a problem solving conversation. Don't change the other person. Move into behaviors that will work better for both of you. ([Time 0:48:57](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a0f30bf6-ac51-4179-8b2a-98d7eef99e73)) - Learning to Repair in Challenging Situations Summary: In learning programs, individuals are taught the important skill of repair, which becomes necessary when things do not go as planned. Repair involves allowing mistakes to happen and learning from them. It is crucial for facilitators to enable these mistakes to occur to help individuals understand how to repair. The process of repair often involves communication and understanding, as demonstrated in a scenario where offering help leads to a misunderstanding that requires clarification and a thoughtful response. Transcript: Speaker 2 Now there's an opportunity to learn something else that everybody learns in these programs, which is called repair. How do you repair when something goes sideways? Speaker 1 Because no matter how good you are, no matter how skilled you get, no matter what your intent was, sometimes it won't work. And then you've got to know how to repair. And, and that's why, remember I told you that our facilitators have a unique set of skills and that's because they have to allow messes to happen. Speaker 2 Otherwise, nobody's going to learn how to repair. And repair often goes back to some of what we've already talked about. Let's start with. Speaker 1 I come in the kitchen, my husband's struggling. I say to him, can I help you with that? Speaker 2 He says, don't tell me what to do. I'm sure none of your, none of your listeners can relate to this story. Speaker 1 And I say instead of, I wasn't trying to tell you what to do. I was just trying to be helpful. What kind of a way to respond to my offering help is that I say, what did you hear me say? ([Time 1:04:08](https://share.snipd.com/snip/dac7d729-4fde-4e0f-9ab8-86e0848685a3)) - Embrace Mistakes to Learn and Repair Summary: Learning how to repair is crucial because despite one's skills and intentions, things may not always work out. Facilitators need to allow mistakes to happen to enable learning and the development of repair skills. When faced with unexpected responses, asking 'What did you hear me say?' is a powerful approach to address misunderstandings and repair relationships. Transcript: Speaker 1 Because no matter how good you are, no matter how skilled you get, no matter what your intent was, sometimes it won't work. And then you've got to know how to repair. And, and that's why, remember I told you that our facilitators have a unique set of skills and that's because they have to allow messes to happen. Speaker 2 Otherwise, nobody's going to learn how to repair. And repair often goes back to some of what we've already talked about. Let's start with. Speaker 1 I come in the kitchen, my husband's struggling. I say to him, can I help you with that? Speaker 2 He says, don't tell me what to do. I'm sure none of your, none of your listeners can relate to this story. Speaker 1 And I say instead of, I wasn't trying to tell you what to do. I was just trying to be helpful. What kind of a way to respond to my offering help is that I say, what did you hear me say? One of the most powerful things you can do when somebody responds in a way that feels very unexpected and out of, out of whack with what you just said is go back to what did you hear me say? ([Time 1:04:20](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8607ee55-0278-4f11-a166-8de533624979)) - Avoid Labels in Feedback Summary: Avoid using labels like 'rude' or 'self-involved' in feedback as they are not behaviorally specific and can make the recipient defensive. Instead of labeling, focus on specific behaviors and understand the other person's perspective to improve communication and relationships. Giving feedback without labeling enhances understanding and reduces defensive reactions, leading to better outcomes in personal and professional relationships. Transcript: Speaker 1 Now, by the way, it didn't matter. That's not what I said. And I didn't say that's not what I said. I said, wow, really glad I asked. Because now, now that you, now that I understand that that's what you heard, I understand why you reacted the way you did. And I said, let me try it again. Speaker 2 You know, one of the ways that I show somebody that I love them is I offer to help. Speaker 1 And what would you like me to do if in a situation like this when I see you struggling? He says, wait for me to ask. Speaker 2 And that was 25 years ago. And that has served us very well because we've been married 37 years, 39 years. And if we go back to feedback, you give somebody feedback, they get super like a defensive, but, you know, they, by the way, net jumping invites net jumping. So they're likely to net jump too. And by the way, the minute you label, you label somebody or, you know, you're over the net. Speaker 1 In fact, you sent me something that was really interesting that I wanted to find here because you said nobody is born with genes for being rude or self involved. Speaker 2 Well, guess what? Rude and self involved are labels. Speaker 1 That is not behaviorally specific. Speaker 2 So calling somebody rude or self involved is just going to make them defensive. ([Time 1:05:45](https://share.snipd.com/snip/751ef6ce-3dad-45c0-9a6a-317620142398)) ## New highlights added August 10, 2024 at 1:08 PM - Episode AI notes 1. Carole Robin emphasizes the importance of effectively utilizing feelings to foster positive influence and resolve team issues quickly. 2. Understanding emotions, such as fear and hurt, is crucial for building connections and improving interpersonal dynamics. 3. Anger, as a secondary emotion, tends to create distance in relationships, while expressing vulnerability can deepen connections and build trust. 4. Feedback should be delivered constructively to strengthen relationships rather than harm them, highlighting the significance of how feedback is given. 5. Addressing small irritations early can prevent them from escalating into larger conflicts and shows investment in the relationship. 6. Honing interpersonal competence involves recognizing internal and external signals, facilitating better feedback and communication. 7. Communication must focus on three distinct realities: one's own perspective, behavior, and the impact on others, to avoid misunderstandings. 8. Effective communication includes clearly expressing feelings and needs to promote constructive problem-solving and understanding in relationships. 9. Learning to repair in challenging situations is essential, as mistakes may occur; facilitators should create an environment where learning from these mistakes can happen. 10. Avoiding labels in feedback is critical, as focusing on specific behaviors fosters better understanding and reduces defensiveness in communication. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/5069feee-2635-46e2-bba4-a8d870db640c))