# How Embracing Emotions Will Accelerate Your Career | Joe Hudson ! [ rw-book-cover] (https://wsrv.nl/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fsubstackcdn.com%2Ffeed%2Fpodcast%2F10845%2Fc96ce1b79620162529a427a617bf2a88.jpg&w=100&h=100) URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/cd443d83-f68e-406b-8a65-33bfcef46d8f Author: Lenny's Podcast: Product | Growth | Career  ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Embrace Your Inner Voice and Emotions > Summary: > A critical voice in one's head often undermines success by fostering unproductive self-criticism, leading to unhappiness despite external achievements. > Even with material success, individuals may feel miserable if this internal dialogue remains harsh. Additionally, a detrimental relationship with emotions, characterized by denial and compartmentalization, prevents personal growth. > Instead of managing or ignoring emotions, embracing and harnessing them can lead to a more fulfilling life. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > It's good to have you. I'm curious if there's any common themes that emerge often in terms of what is holding people back from success or just living the life that they want, especially ambitious tech people, Which I know is a lot of the folks that you work with. They're kind of like archetypes of like, here's the thing often come up most often and hold people back? > Speaker 1 > A non-specific answer to that question would be a critical voice in their head and like a and a relationship with that critical voice that is not not productive. So oftentimes, a critical voice in the head says you need me to be productive, but it's usually a huge detriment to to being able to really be successful. And and even if you are successful with a really critical voice in your head, you never get to enjoy it. You might have the money, but then you're like, oh shit, I'm still miserable. Or I got the car, I got the house, I got the money, I got the successful career, and like why am I unhappy all the time? So that would be, I would say, one of the biggest ones. Another really big one that in a large category I would say is their relationship with emotions is all ficata. They are either trying to pretend they don't have them or compartmentalizing them or trying to manage them rather than harnessing them and and falling in love with them. So that would be another big place. ([Time 0:02:36](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9d5d7642-23a8-4b52-9ac3-40ffd5daed6f)) > Challenge the Inner Critic > Summary: > The critical voice in your head is frequently misleading, often repeating the same negative messages without offering constructive guidance. > Recognizing that these messages, such as 'you should work out more', may contain a kernel of truth but are ultimately unhelpful is crucial. Instead of trying to suppress or control this voice, one should alter their relationship with it. > Acknowledge the fear behind the criticism and respond with empathy or skepticism. > This shift in perspective encourages a healthier engagement with the inner dialogue and facilitates personal growth. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah. I would say every single time the voice in your head is wrong. So it's not the critical voice in your head. So to be specific, I'm talking about the voice in your head that is critical and repeats. So there's the voice that says the same thing over and over again. You got to work out more. You got to work out more. You got to work out more, whatever is. It's always wrong. And that doesn't mean there isn't truth to what it says, but it's incorrect. So as an example of this, like, you should work out more, you should work out more, you should work out more, or you need me or you just sit around on the couch is a great example of one. And, but if I was your boss and I was sitting right next to you and I was criticizing you every couple minutes, there's no way that you would say, wow, I really need you. I couldn't be productive without you. It's a bunch of crap. So, or you should work out, you should work out. Okay, so I see the truth that I'd be healthier if I work out, I get that. Should I? Is that it really a should? There's another question. What makes it not say, oh, hey, why don't you enjoy working out? How do we get you to enjoy working out? What's the, what would motivate you to work out? It's not doing any of that. It's you should work out, you should work out. So it's never an accurate thing that's happening inside of your head. Until you can see through that, it's hard to work with the voice in your head. You can do it, but until you see through it. The second part that I would say is that if you want to work with your voice in the head a new way, what most people try to do is they try to stop it. They try to control the voice in the head and that doesn't work very well. So instead I say change the way that you relate to the negative voice in your head. So instead of being, okay, you stop doing that, stop doing that, say, oh, I see that you're really scared and I'm right here with you. Or sing a musical to it or go, I don't believe you. ([Time 0:07:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c8310bde-4b88-4d6b-8750-293c0ea1e190)) > Transforming Self-Talk Through Experimentation > Summary: > Productivity and health should stem from enjoyment rather than obligation. > Recognizing and reshaping the relationship with the negative voice in one's head is crucial. Instead of trying to control or stop this voice, one should acknowledge its fears and respond in creative ways, such as singing or expressing disbelief. > Adopting an experimental approach allows for daily opportunities to redefine interactions with negative self-talk, fostering a healthier relationship with one's thoughts and enhancing motivation to engage in positive behaviors like working out. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > I couldn't be productive without you. It's a bunch of crap. So, or you should work out, you should work out. Okay, so I see the truth that I'd be healthier if I work out, I get that. Should I? Is that it really a should? There's another question. What makes it not say, oh, hey, why don't you enjoy working out? How do we get you to enjoy working out? What's the, what would motivate you to work out? It's not doing any of that. It's you should work out, you should work out. So it's never an accurate thing that's happening inside of your head. Until you can see through that, it's hard to work with the voice in your head. You can do it, but until you see through it. The second part that I would say is that if you want to work with your voice in the head a new way, what most people try to do is they try to stop it. They try to control the voice in the head and that doesn't work very well. So instead I say change the way that you relate to the negative voice in your head. So instead of being, okay, you stop doing that, stop doing that, say, oh, I see that you're really scared and I'm right here with you. Or sing a musical to it or go, I don't believe you. I don't like, as a matter of fact, I think the best way to work with the voice in the head is to pick an experiment every day and respond to the voice in the head in a new way every day to have An experimental approach and say, Oh, what's the relationship I want with this negative voice in my head? ([Time 0:07:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/543aafd7-976b-48d7-a125-c885a2a49535)) > Embrace Fear with Experimentation > Summary: > Shutting down negative self-talk often fails because it mimics the irrational responses of a distressed child. > A more effective strategy is to acknowledge the fear behind these voices, offering reassurance that you are present and supportive. This approach shifts perception from viewing self-doubt as an authoritative voice to recognizing it as a fearful child. > Embracing an experimental mindset is crucial; it allows for exploration of various responses without the pressure of failure. > The brain has mechanisms, like the hemennula, designed to prevent repeated failure, making experimentation a more productive and empowering approach to self-talk. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah, so the shut up usually doesn't work. I mean, experiment with all of it. You know, to me, I would my my one of my favorite responses is, Oh, I see that you're really scared. Don't worry. I'm right here with you. I got you. Because the part of the deal is that the voice in the head has assumed the position that it's like the boss, but it's really like a little kid having a temper tantrum. I mean, if you listen to it, if you just, like, dictated everything it said, it sounds like usually like a five-year having a temper tantrum. Or it sounds like the way your mom used to chastise you or the way your dad used to chastise you or whatever, whether teacher. So, but it isn't, it's not logical. It's not, it's not thoughtful. It's not typically not thoughtful. It's, it's usually abusive. And so it's a lot of fear. So I like, it's one of my favorites, one of my favorite ways to respond, but I've tried, I mean, gosh, dozens of ways and there's a lot of like neat, effective ways. And I particularly think it's really good to set up a series of experiments rather than just take the one that I have because the experimental mindset means that you can never really Fail. So typically somebody like worse with the reason they head, they fail and they go, ah, fuck it. Because you have, we have this part of our brain called the hemennula and the hemennula basically is the part of our brain that is trying to teach us not to fail over and over again. ([Time 0:10:10](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f1a36a2a-b59a-4d7a-a533-84c31f9dfa10)) > Emotions Drive Decision-Making > Summary: > The relationship one has with their emotions significantly impacts decision-making ability. > A study involving individuals with damage to their emotional brain centers demonstrates that despite retaining a high IQ, these individuals struggle with even basic decisions, highlighting the critical role emotions play in rational thought and daily functioning. Emotional engagement is essential for effective decision-making; without it, cognitive abilities may become ineffective in practical application. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Second bucket that you shared of what you find most often is kind of the root of what's holding people back is the way described as your relationship with your emotions, which I don't Think a lot of people would think of. It's the thing that's holding them back. Can you talk a bit more about what that looks like? > Speaker 1 > A person who wrote a book called Descartes' Error. And in Descartes' Error, the whole idea is that I think therefore I am. And this person's like, yeah, that's the error. And it's a neuroscientist who looked at people who had damage in the emotional center of their brain, and they just basically ceased to be able to make decisions. So their IQ would stay the same, but it would take them half an hour to decide where to have lunch or decide what color to pen to use. It would take hours and hours to make simple decisions, so their IQ would stay high, but their entire life would completely fall apart. ([Time 0:13:19](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6b013111-890f-4c45-a7df-735917483de0)) > Embrace Emotion to Unlock Decision-Making > Summary: > Logical decision-making is a myth; embracing and understanding emotions leads to better solutions. > Suppressing feelings like failure or rejection limits risk-taking and authentic self-expression, ultimately hindering personal growth and opportunities. Speaking one's truth may lead to short-term consequences, such as job loss, but facilitates the discovery of environments that align with one's values. > Emotional release can alleviate feelings of being stuck, demonstrating that it's not just external pressures but unprocessed emotions that contribute to overwhelm. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > There's no such thing as a logical decision. You know, that idea is like, I'm just going to be logical and just make a logical decision. It doesn't neurologically, it's just untrue. So, so if you learn to fall in love with all of your emotions, then solution sets become available that you didn't have before. So if you are like, oh, I can't feel like a failure. Well, then, then you're probably not going to take certain risks. And if you are, oh, I can't, I don't, I want to feel loved and I can't feel unliked by people, well, then you're not going to say your truth. And then the world is going to not give you the things that are truthful to you, right? I go into my boss, I say my truth, I get fired. Okay, I get fired, but then probably my next boss, I say my truth, I'm gonna find a location where my truth is, and how I wanna be in the world is gonna be acceptable. But if I don't do that, if I'm constantly managing myself, then I'm not gonna have that reality. And so it's really important just for the decision-making part, how important emotions are to be able to fall in love with each of the emotional experiences so you're not making decisions Based on your inability to feel stuff. That's like one. There's literally a thousand others. Most people, they feel stuck. They can have a big emotional release and they don't feel stuck anymore. When people feel overwhelmed, it's usually not the amount of crap that they have going on in their life. ([Time 0:14:41](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c2e9e909-9885-49b6-b114-bdbd230e5331)) > Unkink the Emotional Tube > Summary: > Emotions are likened to a tube through which water flows, where kinks represent different emotional expressions like anger or guilt that distort the outflow. > The goal is to unkink these emotions to achieve clarity and fluidity, allowing for loving and purposeful expression. The practice of non-judgmental awareness is essential in this process, as it encourages experiencing emotions without attachment or judgment. > It parallels the notion of treating emotions like children in a house, emphasizing the need for understanding and acceptance rather than resistance. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > So the way I think about this is that emotions are like a tube, let's say, and there's water moving through the tube and you kink a tube one way, the water comes out a little funny, kink the Tube the other way, it comes out a little funny. So let's say you have anger and that's the tube of and you crank it one way and it's like you son of a bitch you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah And it's like, nice dress. You know, you crank it another way and it's guilt. It's like, why would you ever do that to me? And then if it's unkinked, then it's like Gandhi or Martin Luther King. It's like this very loving boundary that's sad. It's this clarity of purpose. So that's how I think about it. So the idea is to get to fluidity, to unkink the hose so that all of the emotional experiences come out with love. > Speaker 2 > I did a meditation retreat, a 10-day silent meditation retreat, which I know is a big part of your practice and something that led to the work you do now. And a term that's coming up for me is non-judgmental awareness, basically experiencing the thing you're feeling and just letting it go, not attaching to it, not judging it. Is that kind of along the lines of stuff you'd recommend? > Speaker 1 > Yeah, it's definitely a huge part of it. There's a couple things that I noticed get in the way or the translation gets in the way there. One is it's like, think about emotions as like kids in your house. ([Time 0:18:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/332de8e4-fae2-43e3-ac53-bc11e8feb177)) > Embrace Emotions with Open Arms > Summary: > Non-judgmental awareness is crucial for emotional experience, emphasizing the importance of a welcoming attitude towards one's emotions. > Rather than distancing oneself from feelings, one should greet them with curiosity and openness. This approach transforms emotional experiences, fostering a space where all feelings, including joy, can thrive. > Recognizing that emotions can be likened to children in a household underscores the need for acceptance and warmth in emotional awareness, suggesting that joy cannot flourish in an unwelcoming environment. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > I did a meditation retreat, a 10-day silent meditation retreat, which I know is a big part of your practice and something that led to the work you do now. And a term that's coming up for me is non-judgmental awareness, basically experiencing the thing you're feeling and just letting it go, not attaching to it, not judging it. Is that kind of along the lines of stuff you'd recommend? > Speaker 1 > Yeah, it's definitely a huge part of it. There's a couple things that I noticed get in the way or the translation gets in the way there. One is it's like, think about emotions as like kids in your house. And if like a kid came into your house and you're like, I will be non judgmentally aware of you, you're probably going to get a very different response from the kid than if you're like, Oh, I'm so excited to see you. Like I welcome you in my house. And the emotions feel different if you're like, I am non-judgmentally aware of this emotion. Or, oh, cool. Like, oh, cool. I'm sad, this is fantastic. If you have that like welcoming invitation, and one of the things that I, one of the quotes that I'm most famous for is, is Joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions, and she won't come Into a house where her children aren't welcome. ([Time 0:19:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7342779a-a13a-47b6-b85f-619383a3232c)) > Welcome All Emotions for Joy > Summary: > Embracing emotions with a welcoming mindset rather than simply observing them fosters a richer emotional experience. > By treating emotions like guests in a home, one creates an environment where all feelings, including joy, are invited and appreciated. A meaningful life is achieved by genuinely welcoming every emotion rather than merely acknowledging them with non-judgmental awareness. > Joy thrives in a space where all emotional expressions are celebrated, not just tolerated. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > I did a meditation retreat, a 10-day silent meditation retreat, which I know is a big part of your practice and something that led to the work you do now. And a term that's coming up for me is non-judgmental awareness, basically experiencing the thing you're feeling and just letting it go, not attaching to it, not judging it. Is that kind of along the lines of stuff you'd recommend? > Speaker 1 > Yeah, it's definitely a huge part of it. There's a couple things that I noticed get in the way or the translation gets in the way there. One is it's like, think about emotions as like kids in your house. And if like a kid came into your house and you're like, I will be non judgmentally aware of you, you're probably going to get a very different response from the kid than if you're like, Oh, I'm so excited to see you. Like I welcome you in my house. And the emotions feel different if you're like, I am non-judgmentally aware of this emotion. Or, oh, cool. Like, oh, cool. I'm sad, this is fantastic. If you have that like welcoming invitation, and one of the things that I, one of the quotes that I'm most famous for is, is Joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions, and she won't come Into a house where her children aren't welcome. And so, like a very joyful life is a life where all the other emotions are deeply welcomed, not accepted, not nonjudgmentally aware of. ([Time 0:19:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/bb356cc4-7f3c-48b7-a1ef-688589ae3b12)) > Embrace Emotions through Inquiry > Summary: > Enhancing emotional awareness requires ongoing practice and cannot be mastered overnight. > A practical approach for immediate improvement is engaging in 'emotional inquiry,' which can be accessed through available resources. This method facilitates a deeper connection to emotions by encouraging exploration of their physical and mental manifestations. > Depending on current emotional awareness levels, varying techniques may be necessary; for example, those unfamiliar with their emotions may need different practices compared to those who have some awareness but struggle with expression. > 'Emotional inquiry' emphasizes the importance of welcoming, loving, or even resisting emotions to better understand and integrate emotional experiences into one's life. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > For someone that wants to get better at the skill of feeling emotions, being more in touch, with emotions helping their emotions be more fluid. I know this is like a lifelong practice and not something you would just hear on a podcast, okay, I'm, I've solved this. Is there anything tactically you can recommend to a listener of just like, here's something you could do this week that'll help you along these lines? > Speaker 1 > We have a free audio on our website called emotional inquiry. And that would be the easiest way that I would, that's a really good entry level for step into, um, uh, into emotional fluidity. But the bigger problem is that every step has a different thing. So if you're in the not aware of emotions, that step may not be the right step for you. Though if you are aware two or three emotions and you can do emotional inquiry, usually it'll open up a lot of the other ones. There might be a point where you really need expression. And so emotional inquiry is not gonna work, but just generally the emotional inquiry practice is a really good one. And what it is, is like, imagine a little kid and you pick up a toad, right? You're gonna pick it up, you're gonna look at it, you're gonna feel it, you're gonna smell it, some little kids are even gonna like lick it a little bit, like they're gonna like really Want to explore this toad. And that's what emotional inquiry is, is a somatic mental experiencing of an emotional experience in your body and what is it like and what happens when you welcome it, what happens When you love it, what happens when you resist it. ([Time 0:22:22](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b8a07f86-4aa8-4f8e-ab9d-bade54f5e065)) > Embrace Imperfection to Overcome Shame > Summary: > Acknowledging unflattering traits can lead to personal growth. > Recognizing and accepting behaviors deemed negative—like being an 'asshole'—without shame allows individuals to release the burden of guilt. Shame often reinforces bad habits, making it difficult to change. > By stripping away the shame associated with these traits, one can begin to understand that these are merely actions and not a reflection of one's character. > This awareness can facilitate positive change, as the underlying assumptions about personal problems may be misguided, highlighting that the real challenge lies in overcoming the shame rather than the behaviors themselves. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > I mean, just allow yourself to be an asshole for just a minute, just one minute. And I stopped and I could like stopped. And I thought of like, I was doing venture capital at the time. And I could think of all the things that I had done that somebody would call an asshole and all the ways in which I was on a tune to people and I could, oh yeah, okay, I can totally see that I'm An asshole. And in that scene, and not only in the scene of it, but as the shame fell away, this is nothing I have to defend. This isn't something that I'm a bad person because of. I don't need to be ashamed of it. This is just some actions that I took. And as that faded away, then and then over the next couple weeks, lo and behold, I became less of an asshole. So it's a strange thing when you really grok that, that it's often shame that holds bad habits in place. And so is the problem that I'm an asshole or is the problem that I'm ashamed of being an asshole? Is the problem that you're a smoker is the problem that you're ashamed of being a smoker. And so, so typically, like there's so many assumptions built into everything that we call a problem. And if we look through those assumptions, the problems disappear as in this case, it disappeared for me. > Speaker 2 > Wow. Okay. There's a lot there. ([Time 0:29:09](https://share.snipd.com/snip/dafe671c-f309-4bda-bd2e-2d098b72c271)) > Avoiding Emotion Invites It In > Summary: > Conflict avoidance leads to increased tension and unresolved issues within teams, as seen in executives who do not confront disagreements. > This behavior not only frustrates employees but also leaves leaders feeling out of control, exacerbating the initial emotion they sought to avoid. Similarly, personal experiences of emotional abandonment can manifest in caretaking behaviors that ultimately push people away. > The core insight reveals that the strategies employed to evade certain feelings can ironically draw those very feelings closer into one's life, creating a cycle of negativity and conflict. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah, so I let's take a since I since I'm a coach executives Let's do an executive example. So conflict avoidant executive. I don't want to feel The out of control in this that I do when people argue I Don't want to feel that level of out of control. So I am going to be conflict avoidant. I'm going to avoid conflict. Every way that we go to avoid a feeling becomes the way that that feeling gets invited towards us. So we all know what it's like to work for a conflict avoidant CEO or boss. People get really upset. Eventually people get really upset. Decisions aren't being made. There's all this tension. It's never relieved. We never get, and then wow, sure enough, the conflict avoidant CEO is dealing with a whole organization that's tense and they feel completely out of control. And the fact that they can't do anything about, So that's an example. When I was younger, it was emotional abandonment. My dad was an alcoholic and I didn't want to feel that emotional abandonment again. And so I would get really hard when I felt like people were leaving me. I'd be like, which of course made them abandon me quicker. I would try to caretake people which would build resentment which would make people abandon me. So whatever emotion that you're trying to avoid, you are inviting into your life in exactly the way that you're trying to avoid it. > Speaker 2 > What the hell? Why would that doesn't sound just as a counter productive. ([Time 0:30:42](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f0535d30-1545-41a9-8912-b84411f949ef)) > Embrace Feelings to Break the Cycle > Summary: > Addressing personal conflicts often involves tracing back to the underlying emotions that drive behavior. > In situations like arguments, feelings of shame can lead to defensive actions that exacerbate the conflict. By recognizing the root feeling—such as shame—one can understand that the instinct to defend oneself is counterproductive and triggers further emotional distress. > Accepting and feeling that shame instead of reacting defensively can facilitate resolution and healing in relationships. > This approach allows individuals to shift their responses and potentially foster a more constructive dialogue. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > What the hell? Why would that doesn't sound just as a counter productive. > Speaker 1 > It is counterproductive in it. But I think that the, the really cool thing about it is you can look at any issue that you're having in your life. So you can say, oh, like one of the problems that I have in my life is that I am constantly in an argument with my girlfriend or boyfriend, let's say. Okay, so you're constantly in a, what is the thing that you don't wanna feel in that argument? Oh, I don't wanna feel ashamed. Okay, so you're getting in arguments because you don't want to feel ashamed. And that's making you feel more ashamed. And, okay, so what am I doing at that first time to not feel ashamed? Oh, I'm defending myself. Oh, and me defending myself is actually the thing that's starting the fight. So you can backward engineer it to, oh, I don't want to feel ashamed. Therefore I'm going to defend myself, which creates the fight, which makes me feel more ashamed. So any problem that you're having, you can actually backwards engineer it and see, oh, I can solve that problem by just being okay with that feeling. God damn it. You didn't take out the trash. Oh, that's the shame. I don't want to feel. I'm not going to defend myself. I'm going to feel that shame. Oh, yeah. And then maybe I'm going to say I'm sorry. ([Time 0:32:14](https://share.snipd.com/snip/cb98e687-6717-4f25-9fe0-cabe9397c51b)) > Embrace Emotions to Transform Reality > Summary: > Acknowledging and accepting one's emotions is crucial for personal growth and problem resolution. > Rather than defending against feelings such as shame, one should confront and feel these emotions fully. This acceptance allows for honest communication, whether it involves apologizing or claiming one's feelings. > By reverse engineering problems through emotional acceptance, individuals can disrupt the cycle of shame and defense that complicates relationships. > The path to self-love lies in embracing all emotions and relinquishing resistance, as what is resisted tends to persist, ultimately transforming one's reality. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Therefore I'm going to defend myself, which creates the fight, which makes me feel more ashamed. So any problem that you're having, you can actually backwards engineer it and see, oh, I can solve that problem by just being okay with that feeling. God damn it. You didn't take out the trash. Oh, that's the shame. I don't want to feel. I'm not going to defend myself. I'm going to feel that shame. Oh, yeah. And then maybe I'm going to say I'm sorry. I didn't take out the trash or I'm going to say, I don't feel ashamed. I don't want to take out the trash. You know, but I have to defend myself to get in the fight. And then I'm going to feel ashamed. So you can reverse engineer all your problems this way. It's like, it's such a cool hack, but it, you know, it's very hard for some, for somehow or another, it's very simple, but very hard for people to utilize. > Speaker 2 > This is amazing. So the advice is basically feel the thing and just kind of come to terms with, this is the emotion I'm feeling. And maybe this, like an example of the asshole, maybe, maybe I'm an asshole and just. > Speaker 1 > Yeah, it's to, what's required for you to love and accept yourself would be, and love and accept the, the emotion that you're having in the moment, instead of resist it. You know, there's that saying, what we resist persists. It's how do you, how do you fall in love with and stop resisting the reality on the ground? And in doing so, it changes the reality on the ground. ([Time 0:33:05](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a5b0cd57-bfbd-42a8-8ef3-fa447dcd7015)) > Embrace Emotion to Transform Reality > Summary: > To fully love and accept oneself, it is crucial to embrace emotions rather than resist them, as resistance only perpetuates emotional struggles. > Recognizing one’s feelings helps in addressing the underlying issues in conflicts, such as disagreements with a partner. Effective communication arises from a place of understanding rather than defensiveness, emphasizing that the origin of one's response dictates the outcome of the interaction. > Ultimately, personal awareness in conversations is more important than the specific content of the discussion. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah, it's to, what's required for you to love and accept yourself would be, and love and accept the, the emotion that you're having in the moment, instead of resist it. You know, there's that saying, what we resist persists. It's how do you, how do you fall in love with and stop resisting the reality on the ground? And in doing so, it changes the reality on the ground. > Speaker 2 > Okay, but in this argument with your supposed girlfriend, say you disagree about her perspective on what's going on. I guess that's not the root issue here. It's like it's your feeling. It's like her perception. > Speaker 1 > Sweetheart, I really hear you want me to take out the trash. And that's not my truth. That's going to be very different than defending that shame. The defending the shame is going to be like, it's not my job to take out the chat. You're trying not to feel the experience, which is what's going to do it. So the response isn't the important thing. It's really where the response comes from. It's so interesting because people are constantly... This is something we teach in the connection courses that it's really not about the conversation, it's about where you're at in the conversation. ([Time 0:34:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1202eb37-7662-4fcf-9f75-02aa33e528d5)) > Enjoyment is a Choice and a Discovery > Summary: > To enhance enjoyment in experiences by 10%, individuals can take deeper breaths, relax, and become more physically comfortable, allowing them to engage more effectively with their surroundings. > However, disregarding negative emotions in pursuit of enjoyment is counterproductive and leads to dissatisfaction. Finding inherent enjoyment in activities might be more powerful than forcing enjoyment in less appealing tasks. > The journey involves a balance between cultivating greater appreciation for the present experience and discovering what genuinely excites and motivates individuals. > Engaging in experiments to enhance enjoyment can consequently lead to a greater pursuit of enjoyable activities. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > How do you enjoy it 10% more? And typically what will happen is somebody will take a deeper breath, they'll settle into their body a little bit more, they'll relax a little bit more, they might physically get more Comfortable, but there's a thousand things that they might do to just enjoy the experience 10% more that, and in that they're becoming more efficient in that the quality is getting Better in that they're hearing what I'm saying differently. And so that it's just a really powerful tool. What I know the problem to be is that some people will go, okay, now I have to enjoy life, I'm going to like disregard all these negative emotions so that I'm in enjoyment and that doesn't Work. It's horrendous. You know, it's, it's just, it's just a recipe for for shit stew. > Speaker 2 > How much of the work is learning to enjoy the thing you're doing more versus finding something that you innately enjoy? Which one's more powerful? I guess which do you point people to? Which experiments do you find people should run more? > Speaker 1 > In our society, typically it's how to enjoy what you're doing more. What happens typically is that if you find a way to enjoy the thing that you're doing more, you're more likely to do the things that you enjoy. ([Time 0:42:28](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3ab4a7e2-9f27-4c2e-aafc-f14fb9205a2d)) > Embrace Immediate Enjoyment > Summary: > Pursuing external achievements like flying a jet or buying an island often leads to a lack of genuine enjoyment. > Learning to appreciate and enjoy the present moment positively impacts effectiveness and motivation, allowing individuals to engage in activities they truly love. The key lies in reframing the approach to enjoyment; instead of deferring enjoyment until certain tasks are completed, one should focus on integrating enjoyment into daily activities. > Asking oneself how to enjoy the current task by 10% more fosters a mindset of internal change over external alterations. > This strategy diminishes the need for 'trying' and instead promotes a natural sense of joy that enhances overall life satisfaction. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Flying the jet or buying the island or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah doesn't do it. So whereas if you really learn to enjoy what's in front of you, all of a sudden one thing that happens is that you're not as scared of enjoyment. Like you start saying, oh wow, enjoyment makes me really effective. And so I'm one to do the things that I enjoy. And so you're more likely to do the things that you enjoy. Instead of having this story, I have to do X, Y, and Z so that at one point in the future, I can do what I enjoy. And so that, it's just an order of operations things. If you learn to do the thing you enjoy, if you learn to enjoy the things that you're doing, you're gonna naturally start doing the things you enjoy. If you only do the things you enjoy, you will not learn how to enjoy what you're doing very well. > Speaker 2 > So you show this tip of how can I enjoy this 10% more? Just like ask yourself, how can I enjoy this 10% more? Is there anything else that you find helpful for helping? Oh, right now, how can I enjoy this right now. > Speaker 1 > So it's not about changing anything in the external world. > Speaker 2 > Got it. Like internally, what can I do? What can I change about the way I'm experiencing this? > Speaker 1 > Just or I like to ask it as how do you enjoy a 10% more? Because if it's what can I change, then, then there's trying. Trying is usually not more enjoyment. It's actually usually letting go of trying that creates more enjoyment. ([Time 0:44:15](https://share.snipd.com/snip/27e9f0d1-a6ba-4b90-9def-eba616152afe)) > Embrace Experimentation for Enhanced Enjoyment > Summary: > Transform your experience by reframing how you approach challenges; instead of asking what you should change, consider how to enjoy situations 10% more. > Focus on the enjoyment rather than the pressure of trying to improve, as this shift encourages movement rather than stagnation. By adopting a mindset of experimentation and preference, you engage more actively in your experiences, leading to a greater sense of satisfaction and likely improving your overall enjoyment. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Got it. Like internally, what can I do? What can I change about the way I'm experiencing this? > Speaker 1 > Just or I like to ask it as how do you enjoy a 10% more? Because if it's what can I change, then, then there's trying. Trying is usually not more enjoyment. It's actually usually letting go of trying that creates more enjoyment. So it's the phrasing is, again, can really make or break the question. > Speaker 2 > I enjoy 10% more. So say someone's sitting in a boring meeting that's like really stuck in their soul, they should ask themselves this question, how can I enjoy this 10% more? > Speaker 1 > Yeah, that would, well, should, they can, they get to. It's a great experiment. It's an experiment, okay, perfect. Yeah, the reason I do the should thing is that as soon as you say you should, and then you don't, then you can fail, and if you fail, you're less likely to try it again. That's why the should just, it ends up usually in stagnation. Should, like if you, if you like think about the way it feels in your body, when you say I should do something, there's like a stagnation. There's a, whereas if you say something like, oh, I want to do it, or here's an experiment I can do, or here's what I enjoy. There's less stagnation, there's more movement. > Speaker 2 > This touches on something else that you talk a lot about. ([Time 0:45:19](https://share.snipd.com/snip/737bd974-03ae-4dd7-b9a7-3e7dba4cec34)) > Flow Freely to Thrive Authentically > Summary: > Emotional stagnation arises from adhering to societal expectations and feelings of shame, which obstructs the natural flow of life. > The Taoist perspective likens life to a river that effortlessly flows towards its destination; similarly, individuals possess an innate drive to evolve naturally. Imposing excessive 'shoulds' hinders this evolution. > While a minority of successful individuals can align their actions with imposed expectations, most people find themselves trapped in a cycle of unfulfilled aspirations, refraining from genuine life experiences. > Living authentically requires embracing personal truth, resulting in varying degrees of compatibility with people and opportunities, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling existence. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Because there's a lot of emotional stagnation in that. There's a lot of should, shame, there's a lot of stagnation in that, and so you don't actually get that natural flow of life. And so the Taoists talk about this as kind of like a river always finds its way. It doesn't need like it just always goes in that direction. And so that's we are naturally evolving like that is our nature. And then to put a whole bunch of shoulds and shit in the way just slows the process down. The other thing about authenticity that I think is really important to is that if your success if you are one of the few people, I'd say 10, 15% who can say I should be this way, this way and This way and then you do it, which is very few people can actually do that. What most people do is they, I should do this, should do that, should do that. And then a decade later, they're still saying they should do the same things. But let's say you're one of those really successful people, then you have a life for not you. Then you have a life of who you think you should be, not for who you actually are. And so if you move from authenticity, naturally, certain things aren't going to work, certain things are going to work. Certain people are going to work, certain people aren't going to work, certain jobs are going to work, but the ones that ([Time 0:47:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3ccd7131-6218-4cb8-af59-d9d7526205da)) > Embrace Desire over Expectation > Summary: > A genuine desire for improvement stems from innate wants rather than imposed expectations of becoming better. > Recognition of natural wants leads to personal growth and development, much like a child's unfiltered aspiration to run faster. These desires, rooted in our evolutionary instincts, guide us toward valuable experiences—such as connecting with others, achieving fulfillment, or succeeding in business. > It's essential to prioritize these intrinsic motivations over the pressure to meet certain standards or notions of self-improvement. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > How do you hold that idea with, I also want to get better. I want to, you know, develop myself. I want to feel my emotions more, those sorts of things. I love that. > Speaker 1 > I want to add the better part is kind of just a, gets a little bit in the way. So right. Yeah. We all want to like a little kid wants to run faster, but, and they might want to get, be a better runner, but the, the part that they miss, the reason that they develop so fucking quickly Is because they don't think they're going to be a better person if they run faster. It's the, it's the idea is like, yeah, you have this natural want. That want is the thing that moves evolution. Like a plant is like, Oh, there's sun. I want to move in that direction as compared to like I should. Both of them are human concepts. But the want is like, it's the thing that it's what allows us to know that's our evolutionary path. Oh, I have this want to be closer to people. Oh, I have this want for great sex. Oh, I have this want for being able to have a business that supports me. ([Time 0:50:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9d1d0235-5b84-411d-9f41-869976817382)) > Embrace Wants Over Shoulds > Summary: > Focusing on wants rather than societal 'shoulds' promotes personal growth and self-awareness. > Viewing desires as a path for evolution, rather than seeing oneself as broken, encourages exploration and self-discovery. Emphasizing an experimental mindset allows individuals to understand their problems, leading to resolution rather than the frustration of failing to meet arbitrary standards. > Prioritizing what you genuinely want fosters a more fulfilling path, free from guilt and the cycle of self-criticism. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Oh, I have this want for great sex. Oh, I have this want for being able to have a business that supports me. These are great wants and they kind of show where the growth is occurring or wants to occur. It's like that's our natural evolution. It's great. What makes it need to be better? What I want to be better? It just slows it down instead of, it's like saying that what I am is broken and therefore the whole thing slows down. So I, we try to word everything as, you know, more in the experimental framework, but also we try to word everything as like self awareness, self experimentation, self discovery, instead Of self-improvement. Because if you understand the problem, then the problem goes away. So just, just explore it, like just understand it as composed to making a list of things that you should do to get better that you will eventually fail. And then you'll just be stuck in this should loop where you beat yourself up and where most people hang out a lot. > Speaker 2 > So the experiment here that I'm taking away is think more about your want versus the should and then things you think you need. Right? It's okay. ([Time 0:50:58](https://share.snipd.com/snip/89ab345e-3b1a-445d-ab76-b8ee4aa5f9e8)) > Explore Problems to Uncover Solutions > Summary: > Measurable pipelines benefit from a clear understanding of their stages, emphasizing the importance of deep exploration of problems to reveal solutions. > Engaging with challenges through curiosity and experimentation fosters a more efficient and enjoyable problem-solving process. This approach is contrasted with rigid, prescriptive methods that often lead to less effective outcomes. > The insight draws parallels between democratic and autocratic systems, highlighting that exploration and collaboration yield better results than centralized decision-making. > This principle underscores the value of self-exploration in personal improvement and problem-solving. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Oh, well, we made the pipeline more measurable by having things that could be very, okay. And so how did you know what were the seven stages of the pipeline and what made you pick them? You go six levels down and you can really understand if somebody was the person who solved the problem or if they're the person who is claiming that they solved the problem. So it's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's if we just explore a problem enough, the solution is apparent. If we understand the problem enough, the solution is apparent. And so typically, if we come to a problem with a kid's mind and wonder, we come to it, like, what, what could I learn here? What's exciting? What, what are the experiments I can run? Then typically that's the most efficient way, enjoyable way to solve a problem. As compared to, I have to get to this problem by the solo at this time and we're going to do it this way. Like, usually that doesn't work. And, you know, I could geek out on why that likes democracies win over autocracies because they're far more experimental by nature. And it's not one person saying how things are going, but it just generally that it just, we're more efficient when we're exploring. And so we're more efficient when we're exploring ourselves and understanding ourselves and trying to improve ourselves. ([Time 0:54:25](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b345596a-62b1-43ce-bf06-035094de2d0d)) > Embrace Intensity for Success > Summary: > Identifying and adhering to personal principles is essential for making decisions that lead to success. > Many individuals base their choices on superficial metrics, such as social media validation or the pursuit of wealth. Instead, one should define core principles that align with their values and contribute to growth. > By experimenting with these principles and refining them over time, individuals can foster resilience and commitment, even in challenging times. > Embracing intensity, for example, means welcoming difficult sensations or conversations rather than avoiding them, thereby creating opportunities for personal and professional development. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > So we all have a set of principles to live by that we're doing it, right? So for a lot of people, those principles are, you know, what do I have to do to get likes on Facebook? What do I have to do to like, I'm gonna do whatever it, I'm gonna make a decision based on getting likes on Facebook. I'm going to make decisions based on whatever it is. Pretending that I want to get wealthy or trying to get wealthy or there's a series of things. But if you really take a look at what it is you're making your decisions on and then really think about what would be the five or six things that if I made decisions with these principles, I'm guaranteed success. And then experiment with them and then refine those principles and then experiment with them. And then there'll be these moments where you don't want to do it, but those are your principles, so you're going to go and do it. So as an example for this, one of the principles that I live by is embrace intensity. So it's not create intensity, it's embrace intensity. It means that right now, any moment in my body, for instance, there's going to be a sensation that's more intense. How do I welcome that sensation? At any moment in running my business, there's going to be something that we don't want to talk about. ([Time 0:58:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/529de852-a44a-4d66-b57b-55d5c5c2362a)) > Embrace Intensity to Refine Principles > Summary: > Developing a personal set of principles is key to effective decision-making and personal growth. > Embracing feedback, even when it's critical, accelerates the learning process, allowing for immediate responses and adaptations. It's essential to define principles not only by what they are, but also by what they are not, as this distinction enhances clarity. > Regularly running experiments based on these principles and refining them ensures continuous improvement and resilience in facing challenges. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > And so if you can make light, if you can see what those principles are for you, and then run experiments to see if they work and then refine them every once in a while and so Because of that Because that that embrace intensity if somebody comes to me and says You're fucking of this business. You're doing it all wrong. I Don't have to think about what I'm gonna do I'm like, oh cool. Tell me what I'm missing. It's gonna, it's gonna be immediate. Because I live this way, whether I don't, maybe I don't want to hear it. Maybe I'm like, I'm having a bad day, whatever it is. Maybe I'll say, hey, I want to hear you give me, I'm not, I'm not able to give me, you know, a day and I'll come back to you. But all of a sudden, my decisions get made automatically. If I live by a set of principles, and that very effective, I find very effective living by a set of principles. > Speaker 2 > For someone that wants to create their own set of principles, is there a guide you have? Is there any advice for how to actually go about starting this list, putting it together? > Speaker 1 > We have a decisions course, which is like a large part of it is about how to do that. Awesome. It's a difficult one to explain because there's a lot of nuance in it. Just as a, for instance, one of the nuances is defining the principles, not just by what it is, but what it isn't, is a really significant, very minor thing, but it ends up being incredibly Major. ([Time 0:59:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9e3657f1-5fda-4bc7-a8ad-47bd376c6830))